So we went to Home Depot to fix the bed.
We found a piece of wood that was the width that we needed, then hunted for an associate to help us cut it. The following conversation ensued...
B: "Hey can you help us cut this piece of wood?"
Home Depot Worker: "Sure, how long do you need it?"
B: "76 Inches"
Home Depot Worker: "Alright... Slats for a bed frame?"
B: *rather sheepishly* "Yeah... I broke our bed"
Home Depot Worker: "Ha, yeah man, I've done that a few times!"
B: "Yeah I dove onto it and it broke" (obviously trying to steer the conversation away from any innuendos regarding how the bed was broken... multiple times.)
In conclusion, we finally fixed our bed and can now go back to enjoying all the things my husband says in his sleep.